3 Essentials of Friendship

Research shows us that friendship is what couples desire the most. I think we can all agree having your partner as your best friend is a great thing and certainly makes life a lot more fun and enriching.

As a therapist, I see this with couples every day. They want to restore their friendship but have no idea how to do that or even what it means. They say they want that “feel good, limerence feeling” from when they first met. The reality is that it wasn’t friendship. That was a delusion. The “Romantic Love or Limerence” stage of a relationship is characterized by what scientists call the “Love Cocktail” which creates feelings of euphoria with endless positive projections. Unfortunately, this stage will end within a few years. Again, this was not friendship; it was a delusion. You can understand why couples get so frustrated with each other when that feeling is gone. No more magical positive projections. The relationship doesn’t flow effortlessly anymore, and they are on the hunt for that “feel-good” feeling again.

When they show up at my office, I explain that our culture has created serial monogamists by attaching a word called love to that “feel good” feeling. I “feel it” for you, and I marry you. A few years later, I don’t “feel it” for you, so I divorce you.  They desperately want that close friendship, “best friends forever” feeling back so I explain to them the three components of true friendship, which will begin to release attachment chemicals in their systems that will never go away. They will begin advancing to more mature love.

The three key components of friendship are:

• Knowing your partner's world. Spend time asking questions to truly get to know the heart and soul of your partner. Questions far beyond, “how was your day?” Maybe, “what was your favorite trip as a kid?” “What does it mean to you to be a parent?” or “What is your greatest fear?” I think you get the point.
• Look for the good in your partner and speak it. It is not enough to find it; the good has to be spoken for it to affect the relationship positively.

Turn towards. It’s important to understand that in every interaction you have with your partner, you are either adding to the basis of trust or taking from it. I mean every interaction. If you are texting and your partner speaks to you there is a choice, you can ignore them and keep texting, which will reduce the basis of trustworthiness. If you stop texting and engage your partner, that small action increases the basis of trustworthiness.

These are the three components of a solid friendship and we encourage you to start building yours today. It might seem mechanical on the front end, but it will grow to become a natural part of the way you interact with your spouse.

Chris Cambas, LMFT, Certified Gottman Therapist & Trainer, Relationship Expert, Co-Founder of CoupleStrong
CEO of National Marriage Seminars & The Practice Startup.