Are you and your partner caught in the cycle of flooding and conflict avoidance?
It might seem like a good idea to sidestep potential disagreements, painting a picture of a harmonious relationship. But here's the reality: couples who consistently avoid conflict often find themselves seeking counseling eventually. Why? Because avoiding conflict doesn't make it disappear. The underlying issues or hurt feelings linger, unspoken and unresolved. And this unresolved conflict can breed resentment and create distance between partners. It's hard to feel truly connected when you're not sharing your true feelings with your partner.
Here are a few scenarios that illustrate what conflict avoidance looks like:
- Your partner makes a hurtful remark, but you brush it off because you don't want to escalate the situation.
- Your partner notices a dent on your car and gets it fixed without consulting you, fearing an argument over what happened.
- You forget to pay a bill on time, and your partner doesn't express their frustration about the late fee.
- Your anniversary passes without any special gestures from your partner, leaving you feeling disappointed, but you choose to keep silent to avoid confrontation.
- You disagree with your partner's approach to disciplining your child, but you keep quiet to avoid conflict.
What drives this avoidance?
Many people cite discomfort with conflict as the primary reason for avoiding it. After all, conflict isn't exactly pleasant for anyone, and it might feel like it leads nowhere. John Gottman's research reveals that two-thirds of problems in relationships are unsolvable. While it's true that some conflicts may not have easy solutions, it's still essential to communicate about them.
One common reason for conflict avoidance is experiencing flooding—a physiological response to perceived threats that triggers the "fight, flight, or freeze" reaction. While some people may become more confrontational during flooding, others tend to withdraw or shut down emotionally, experiencing the flight or freeze response. This can lead to avoidance tactics like staying silent or physically distancing oneself from the conflict.
Avoidance may provide temporary relief from conflict, but unresolved issues can resurface later, often leading to explosive confrontations fueled by built-up frustration. This type of conflict can be emotionally charged and challenging to navigate.
But there is a way forward.
Here's how to manage flooding and break free from the cycle of conflict avoidance:
- Take a time-out. Let your partner know you need a break to calm down.
- Set a time to reconvene. Aim for 20-30 minutes, then return to the conversation.
- Engage in self-soothing activities. Try meditation, exercise, or reading to calm your mind.
- Avoid dwelling on the conflict during the break, as it can exacerbate flooding.
- Share your feelings and needs when you reconvene. Be honest and specific about how you feel and what you need from your partner.
Remember to come back together after the time-out to address the disagreement. Don't let too much time pass, as it can lead to a return of flooding and conflict avoidance. If needed, take another time-out to self-soothe. With practice, self-soothing becomes more natural, and managing conflicts becomes more manageable.
If you find it challenging to navigate conflicts with your partner, consider seeking help from a Gottman-trained therapist. They can provide guidance and support as you develop more effective communication skills together.
