For decades, psychologists have been asking one big question: What causes relationships to end? Thanks to decades of rigorous research — especially the work of Dr. John Gottman at the Gottman Institute — we now have clear, evidence-based answers. And they may not be what you think. Relationships rarely fail overnight. Instead, they erode slowly, often due to patterns that couples don’t even realize are destructive until the damage is done.

 

The “Four Horsemen” of Relationship Breakdown

Gottman’s research identified four toxic communication patterns that, when left unchecked, predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

1. Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. (“You’re so selfish” vs. “I wish you’d call if you’re running late.”)
2. Contempt – Showing disrespect or superiority through sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Gottman found contempt to be the single strongest predictor of divorce.
3. Defensiveness – Self-protection in the form of counter-attacks or playing the victim instead of taking responsibility.
4. Stonewalling – Withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, or refusing to engage, often due to emotional flooding.

Couples who habitually engage in these patterns — without learning their antidotes — are on a clear path toward disconnection.

 

Emotional Disengagement

While explosive conflict gets the most attention, many relationships fail not from too much fighting, but from too little connection. Over time, couples stop turning toward each other for emotional support. They share fewer “bids” for attention, affection, and understanding — and fewer of those bids are met with warmth. As Gottman notes, it’s not the absence of love but the absence of everyday moments of connection that often leads to the end.

 

Unresolved Conflict and Poor Repair Attempts

Conflict is inevitable, but unresolved conflict is corrosive. When partners avoid addressing issues or lack effective repair strategies after arguments, resentments build. Successful couples aren’t those who never fight — they’re the ones who fight in a way that preserves respect and repair the emotional rupture quickly.

 

Lack of Shared Meaning

Gottman’s research also points to the importance of shared meaning — having common values, dreams, and a sense of purpose together. When couples stop talking about their hopes for the future or fail to align on their “why,” the relationship can feel empty, even if it’s free of overt conflict.

 

The Role of Neglect

Recent longitudinal studies affirm that neglect — not big betrayals — is a leading cause of relationship breakdown. Partners who stop prioritizing each other, investing time, or nurturing intimacy create emotional distance. Over months and years, that distance becomes harder to bridge.

 

The CoupleStrong Perspective

The most respected research to date makes one thing clear: relationships fail less because of one dramatic event and more because of ongoing patterns that erode trust, respect, and connection. The good news is that these patterns are reversible. By recognizing the warning signs early and intentionally practicing their antidotes — such as gentle start-ups instead of criticism, appreciation instead of contempt, responsibility instead of defensiveness, and self-soothing instead of stonewalling — couples can change their trajectory.

Healthy, lasting relationships aren’t built by avoiding conflict; they’re built by staying emotionally engaged, repairing quickly after ruptures, and continually nurturing shared meaning. At CoupleStrong, we believe that every couple can learn these skills — and that it’s never too late to start.

Your challenge this week: Pay attention to the “bids” your partner makes for connection — a question, a touch, a look — and make it a priority to respond positively. It’s in those small, daily moments that relationships are either built up or broken down.