Paula Gurnett, C.C.C.

When we hear about infidelity, it’s easy to assume the cheating partner must have been deeply unhappy at home. Many people hold the belief that affairs are purely a symptom of a miserable or broken relationship — but world-renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman and his team have found that this is far from the whole truth.

Let’s unpack this common myth and see what the science really says.

We like tidy explanations for betrayal:

These ideas help us make sense of the pain and protect ourselves: If I keep my partner happy, this won’t happen to me. But reality is more complex. Not all affairs grow from deep dissatisfaction. Some happen in relationships that partners describe as mostly happy and satisfying.

What Gottman’s Research Shows

John Gottman, together with his wife and collaborator Dr. Julie Gottman, has studied thousands of couples over decades. They found that:

• Many people who have affairs report high marital satisfaction. They say they love their partner, enjoy family life, and never planned to cheat.
• Opportunity and boundaries often play a bigger role than unhappiness. Sometimes it’s about temptation, secrecy, and poor impulse control — not necessarily deep relationship problems.
• Affairs can be about the person’s own internal struggles. For some, it’s about wanting to feel young again, powerful, desirable, or escaping stress — not always escaping the partner.

If you believe only unhappy partners cheat, you might ignore subtle risks in your own relationship. You may overlook how important it is to maintain clear boundaries with coworkers, friends, and social media contacts. You might fail to talk openly with your partner about attraction, jealousy, and temptation — conversations that can strengthen trust.

What Really Protects Relationships

According to Gottman’s research, what makes a difference is not just happiness, but trust and commitment in daily life.Here’s what healthy couples do to protect their bond:

• Talk openly about friendships — without secrecy or shame.
• Set clear boundaries with people outside the relationship.
• Turn toward each other emotionally when bored, stressed, or lonely — rather than turning away.
• Repair conflicts quickly so resentment doesn’t fester and push one partner to seek comfort elsewhere.

A More Nuanced Truth

Affairs don’t always mean the marriage was doomed — but they do signal that something needs to be addressed: broken trust, poor boundaries, or unmet needs. Instead of assuming that only bad marriages are at risk, couples can learn to be more intentional about protecting intimacy and connection.

The idea that only unhappy couples face infidelity is comforting but misleading. Gottman’s research reminds us that affairs can happen in all kinds of relationships — and that preventing them is less about perfection, and more about everyday trust, openness, and boundaries.

If you and your partner want to affair-proof your relationship, focus on building a deep friendship, communicating honestly, and keeping each other close — even when life tries to pull you apart.

Interested in learning more? Check out Gottman’s book “What Makes Love Last?” for an in-depth look at trust, betrayal, and how to strengthen commitment in your relationship or reach out for support to a trained couples therapist. https://www.stirpsychology.com