A CoupleStrong Blog Inspired by Julie Menanno’s “Secure Love”

What if love didn’t have to feel like walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or endlessly chasing validation? What if love felt... safe?

In her powerful book Secure Love, therapist Julie Menanno draws from attachment science to help couples understand the core of what makes love last: emotional safety, responsiveness, and secure connection. At CoupleStrong, we believe this message is not only timely but essential—especially in a world where couples often know how to fall in love, but not how to stay connected in it.

Why “Secure” Is the New Sexy

Forget the outdated idea that passion lives only in unpredictable, dramatic relationships. Menanno reframes emotional security as the ultimate intimacy amplifier. When partners feel emotionally safe, they don’t just avoid conflict—they build deeper trust, vulnerability, and joy.

Insecure relationships are often marked by:

• One partner pursuing, the other withdrawing.
• Fights that feel circular and unresolved.
• A sense of walking alone, even while together.
• Fear of abandonment or engulfment.

In contrast, secure relationships sound like:

• “I’ve got you—even when we disagree.”
• “Let’s slow down and figure this out together.”
• “I know we’ll come back to each other.”
• “You can bring your full self—I’ll meet you there.”

Sound unrealistic? It’s not. It’s just unpracticed for many. Secure Love teaches couples how to get there.

The Anatomy of Secure Attachment in Relationships

Menanno’s work focuses on building earned security—that is, even if you didn’t grow up in a safe emotional environment, you can build it in your adult romantic relationship. Here’s what that looks like:

1. Attunement
   Truly listening—not just to respond, but to understand your partner’s inner world. This means asking, “What’s really going on beneath the surface?”
2. Responsiveness
   Meeting emotional bids with warmth and care. You don’t need to fix your partner’s pain—you need to make them feel seen in it.
3. Repair
   Every couple fights. Secure couples know how to return to each other, admit wrongs, and restore connection after rupture.
4. Consistency
   Love isn’t built in big moments—it’s built in the repeated choice to show up. To answer the text. To soften the tone. To turn toward instead of away.
5. Boundaries and Differentiation
   Secure love doesn’t mean enmeshment. It’s knowing where I end and you begin—while staying emotionally connected across that space.

CoupleStrong and the Secure Love Blueprint

At CoupleStrong, we echo Menanno’s belief: secure love isn’t about never fighting or getting it perfect. It’s about learning to regulate emotions, reach for each other, and co-create a relationship that feels like home.

We teach couples to:

• Use “soft startups” during conflict.
• Replace blame with curiosity.
• Understand each other’s attachment needs.
• Rebuild trust through consistent responsiveness.
• Create rituals of connection that reinforce safety.

Whether you're healing from past wounds or simply looking to deepen your bond, the tools of secure love are the tools of lasting love.

 

Ready to build a relationship that lasts a lifetime?

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