A CoupleStrong Blog

When sex therapist Zoë Kors released Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve, she aimed higher than “spicier sex” or “better communication.” Her premise is bold: true intimacy begins long before two bodies meet—it starts with self-knowing, honest dialogue, and the courage to show up fully. Below, we unpack Kors’ core ideas and translate them into concrete practices you and your partner can start tonight.

 

1. Intimacy Starts with You—Then Becomes Us

Book insight

Kors argues that many couples chase closeness without first cultivating self-intimacy—the ability to tune into your own desires, boundaries, and emotions. When you skip this step, you show up half-present and expect your partner to fill the gap.

Try this

• Body Scan Check-In (2 minutes). Close your eyes, notice tension, warmth, desire, or numbness. Say aloud one physical or emotional sensation you discovered.
• Desire Journal. For a week, jot any spark—sexual, creative, relational. Share the list on date night. Your partner isn’t responsible for creating your desire but for witnessing it.

 

2. “Honest over Harmless” Communication

Book insight

Kors champions radical honesty—speaking truth respectfully even when it risks discomfort. Sugar-coating or silent resentment blocks intimacy more than a clumsy truth.

Try this

1. Three-Part Truth
   • Fact: “We haven’t had one-on-one time in two weeks.”
   • Feeling: “I feel disconnected.”
   • Request: “Can we schedule a walk after dinner tomorrow?”
2. Listener’s Job: Paraphrase what you heard without rebuttal. Validation first; problem-solving second.

 

3. Sex as a Practice, Not a Performance

Book insight

Kors reframes sexuality as practice—like yoga or meditation—where presence and curiosity trump flawless technique. Performance anxiety fades when partners see intimacy as an evolving exploration.

Try this

• Sensate Minutes. Set a 10-minute timer. One partner receives light touch everywhere but the usual hot spots; the receiver simply notices sensation without goal. Switch next night.
• Yes/No/Maybe List (download free online). Each partner marks activities in three columns. Compare lists, circle overlaps, and pick one “maybe” to explore with mutual consent.

 

4. Shadow Work: Bringing Hidden Parts into the Light

Book insight

“Radical” intimacy means integrating the parts of ourselves we hide—guilt, kink, insecurity. When shadows stay underground, they leak out as shame or secrecy.

Try this

• Shame Share Ritual. Sit back-to-back (to reduce eye-pressure). Each partner completes: “One thing I’m shy to tell you but want you to know is…” After sharing, swap seats and hug—no fixing, just acceptance.
• Compassion Code Word. Choose a playful word (“pineapple”) that signals “I’m feeling vulnerable.” The other partner responds: “Got you,” and offers a grounding gesture (hand squeeze, steady eye contact).

 

5. Intimacy in Four Dimensions

Kors’ model highlights four pillars:

 

Balancing all four prevents intimacy from lopsidedly focusing on just sex or just talk.

 

Putting It All Together: A 30-Day Radical Intimacy Challenge

1. Week 1 – Self-Intimacy: Body scans + desire journaling.
2. Week 2 – Radical Honesty: Use Three-Part Truth for one real issue.
3. Week 3 – Sexual Practice: Two sensate-minute sessions.
4. Week 4 – Shadow & Spirit: Shame-share ritual + a shared awe experience (stargazing, nature hike).

Re-take stock at day 30: How has your emotional closeness, sexual energy, and mutual understanding shifted?

 

Final Thought

Radical Intimacy reminds us that the hottest chemistry arises when self-awareness, courageous honesty, and embodied curiosity meet in the same room. Whether you’re reigniting a decades-long marriage or nurturing a new love, commit to showing up whole and witnessing your partner do the same. The result isn’t just better sex or fewer fights—it’s the electric feeling of being fully alive, together.

Challenge for tonight: Turn off the lights, place your hands over each other’s hearts, breathe in sync for 60 seconds, then answer: “What part of me is ready to be seen next?”

Let the radical begin.

Stay CoupleStrong.