Building Trust in a Relationship

While infidelity is a devastating and obvious form of betrayal, disloyalty is not always expressed through a sexual affair. According to Dr. John Gottman in What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (2014), “Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship—it is there even if the couple is unaware of it.” If a partner hides major financial investments or failure, that is betrayal. If a husband always puts his career ahead of his relationship, that is betrayal. When a wife keeps breaking her promise to start a family, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery.

Dr. John Gottman has found that, “there is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness.” That principle is trust. While it may seem obvious, it is important to note that happy couples say that trust is what lets them feel safe with each other, deepens their love, and allows friendship and sexual intimacy to bloom. 

What, therefore, is trust? Using game theory, Dr. John Gottman has developed a definition of trust. In a zero-sum game where one has to lose for the other to win, each side wants to maximize its own payoff and prevent the opponent from achieving anything. This leads to distrust. If you don’t have faith in your partner, you take the stance that he or she should change so that you can maximize your own payoffs. Likewise, your partner wants to change your

behavior for his or her selfish reasons. When distrust abounds, neither of you includes the other’s well-being in your calculations.

We come to a definition of trust by turning this description of distrust around. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people. It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner.” The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. The sense is that you have each other’s back. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when he or she is upset. You just can’t be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.

How is trust built? According to Dr. John Gottman, trust is built through attunement, repairing when communication gets messed up, fully processing negative feelings and events, and a sense of fairness. 

Attunement is the ability of couples to understand each other at a deeper level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other. This ability is second nature to some lucky couples, but many others who are just as devoted find it challenging. Fortunately, attunement is comprised of skills that almost all couples can learn—or learn to strengthen. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Attunement is not about memorizing a script. It’s about increasing your understanding of your partner and expressing acceptance and support.” The easiest way to learn attunement methods is to start small, with non-threatening conversations that allow

behavior for his or her selfish reasons. When distrust abounds, neither of you includes the other’s well-being in your calculations.

We come to a definition of trust by turning this description of distrust around. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people. It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner.” The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. The sense is that you have each other’s back. In a trusting relationship, you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when he or she is upset. You just can’t be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.

How is trust built? According to Dr. John Gottman, trust is built through attunement, repairing when communication gets messed up, fully processing negative feelings and events, and a sense of fairness. 

Attunement is the ability of couples to understand each other at a deeper level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other. This ability is second nature to some lucky couples, but many others who are just as devoted find it challenging. Fortunately, attunement is comprised of skills that almost all couples can learn—or learn to strengthen. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Attunement is not about memorizing a script. It’s about increasing your understanding of your partner and expressing acceptance and support.” The easiest way to learn attunement methods is to start small, with non-threatening conversations that allow

Finally, trust occurs more easily when there is equal power between partners. When partners feel that their relationship is fundamentally fair, trust is built. When they feel that their relationship is fundamentally unfair and that power is unequal, distrust is built. 

Therefore, if you want to build trust in your relationship and avoid betrayal, attune to each other’s needs, repair communication when it goes wrong, fully process regrettable incidents, and distribute power equally in your relationship.