Life isn’t always about feeling happy every moment. In fact, happiness can be fleeting – a byproduct of circumstances. What truly sustains us (and our relationships) is something deeper: meaning, purpose, and finding our place in the world. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl once observed, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”scientificamerican.com This blog will explore why a fulfilling life (and marriage) is rooted not just in momentary happiness, but in shared purpose and meaning. We’ll dive into psychological insights and relationship research that show how purpose fuels love, and offer practical takeaways for couples who want to build a relationship grounded in meaning. Let’s embark on this journey with warmth, depth, and inspiration.

Happiness vs. Meaning: A Shift in Mindset

It’s natural to want a happy life with your partner – who doesn’t love joy and laughter? But psychologists note an important distinction between seeking happiness and seeking meaning. Often, the things that make us happy in the short term (comfort, ease, pleasure) are not the things that give our lives meaning. Research finds that an “easy, pleasant” life might boost day-to-day happiness, but it doesn’t necessarily add to a sense of purpose scientificamerican.com. By contrast, people often find meaning through activities that can be challenging or require effort – raising children, volunteering, pursuing a passion – even if those don’t always make us smile in the moment scientificamerican.com.

Crucially, Viktor Frankl argued that happiness cannot be pursued directly – it must ensue. In Man’s Search for Meaning, he wrote that “success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.”coachcarson.com In other words, when we devote ourselves to meaningful goals or to loving others, happiness happens as a natural result. Chasing happiness for its own sake often leaves us empty-handed, but chasing purpose gives us something far more enduring. This mindset shift – from How can I be happy? to What is my purpose? – can transform the way you approach life’s ups and downs. Instead of avoiding pain or discomfort, you start to ask: What can I learn from this? How can this challenge fit into a bigger purpose? It’s a powerful change in perspective.

Nowhere is this shift more important than in our closest relationships. If we believe a relationship’s main goal is just to “make us happy,” we may bail out when times get tough or when the initial spark fades. But if we see the goal of a relationship as growing together, supporting each other’s purpose, and creating a shared life story, we become more resilient. Even the hard times can bring you closer, because you face them with a sense of togetherness and meaning (“this struggle we overcame is now part of our story”). As Frankl taught, meaning can make suffering bearable – and while hopefully your relationship doesn’t involve suffering, the point is that a shared purpose gives you strength to endure and thrive beyond the superficial highs and lows of daily life scientificamerican.com.

Meaning in Relationships: Why Purpose Strengthens Love

So, what does meaning in a relationship look like? It’s not about constant romance or conflict-free days (those are nice, but not the whole picture). Meaning in a partnership comes from feeling that together you are part of something bigger – you have shared values, goals, or a mission as a couple. This could be as personal as “raising a healthy, loving family” or as broad as “making the world better through our business or community service.” It’s your shared why – the core belief or purpose that unites you.

Relationship science is increasingly recognizing the importance of this shared purpose. Researchers have begun to challenge the old notion that marital success is measured solely by personal happiness or satisfaction ifstudies.orgifstudies.org. In new models of marriage, scholars emphasize that truly flourishing relationships satisfy not only our need for happiness, but also our needs for growth, meaning, and connection ifstudies.org. In fact, flourishing marriages tend to include “deeper elements such as personal virtues, life meaning and purpose, a sense of belonging, growth and improvement”ifstudies.org. In other words, the best relationships do more than make us feel good – they help us become good (more compassionate, committed, and purpose-driven) and give our lives significance.

Research by renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman similarly highlights the value of creating a “shared meaning” in marriage. Gottman found that couples who develop a shared culture – with joint goals, traditions, stories, and symbols – form a stronger connection. In fact, studies have shown a positive correlation between shared meaning and relationship satisfaction: the more a couple sees themselves as a team with common values and interests, the more intimate and satisfied they tend to bemenand.ca. One relationship counselor put it simply: “Creating shared meaning and purpose together is the key.”menand.ca When you feel like you and your partner are working toward the same big picture, you naturally feel closer and more satisfied with your life together.

Exciting new research even suggests that having a shared understanding with your partner can boost your sense of meaning in life overall. A 2023 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology introduced the idea of “shared reality” – essentially, how much partners feel they truly understand each other and see the world in similar wayspsypost.orgpsypost.org. The researchers found that couples with a higher shared reality reported significantly greater meaning in life – even after accounting for how happy or satisfied they were in the relationshippsypost.org. In other words, beyond just being happy with each other, sharing a common view of the world gave people clarity, purpose, and a sense that life makes more sensepsypost.org. A strong partnership can thus become an anchor of meaning: when two people “get” each other and jointly make sense of life’s events, it reduces uncertainty and helps both find purposepsypost.orgpsypost.org. This is a beautiful insight – love isn’t only about heart-eyes and good times, it’s also about being teammates in the face of life’s chaos, creating order and meaning together.

It’s also worth noting that having individual purpose benefits your relationship. Studies have found that people who have a clear sense of purpose in life tend to experience more positive relationship outcomespsychologytoday.com. Purposeful individuals may bring more confidence, resilience, and optimism into their relationships, making them more attractive partnerspsychologytoday.com. So, when both partners encourage each other’s personal growth and dreams, they’re not just helping each other – they’re strengthening the fabric of their love. Rather than one person being the other’s “purpose” (which can be unhealthy), it’s about supporting the purpose in each other. For example, if your spouse feels called to change careers to something more meaningful or to start a charity project, your support in that journey brings you closer and infuses the relationship with shared significance. You become each other’s cheerleaders in living a meaningful life, not just partners in having fun.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Shared Meaning and Purpose

How can you and your partner start building a relationship that’s rooted in meaning, not just momentary happiness? Here are some practical, inspiring steps to cultivate shared purpose in your life together:

• Discover Your Shared “Why”: Set aside time to talk with your partner about the big picture. What values do you deeply share? What do you want your life to stand for? Perhaps you both care about creativity, faith, helping others, or adventure. Find the themes that unite you. For some couples, it helps to create a shared vision or mission statement for your relationship or family – a few sentences that capture what you’re all about. Identifying this shared why gives you a guiding star to navigate life’s decisions and storms together.
• Create Meaningful Rituals: Don’t underestimate the power of little traditions. Something you do regularly as a couple – whether it’s a morning coffee together, a daily walk after dinner, or a goofy goodnight phrase – becomes a comforting ritual that reinforces your connection. “The act of repeated connection becomes the building block toward a common purpose,” one therapist notes, recommending small daily rituals to start and end each daymenand.ca. These rituals, like miniature ceremonies of your bond, give your relationship a unique identity. Maybe you celebrate weekly “Friday pizza night” where you review highs and lows, or you volunteer together every month. Over time, these shared habits weave a tapestry of meaning because they reflect what you value (communication, family time, community, etc.). Design your own couple rituals that feel special and speak to your shared values.
• Pursue Goals and Growth Together: Nothing builds unity like working toward a goal side by side. Identify a project or goal you both can invest in. It could be practical (saving up for a home, running a marathon together) or passionate (co-writing a blog, learning a new language and traveling). The key is that it matters to both of you. By striving together, you create shared stories and accomplishments. Even mundane goals (like improving your fitness as a team) can deepen your bond because you’re supporting and motivating each other. Also be open to growth experiences: take a class together, read the same personal development book and discuss it, or attend a couples’ retreat on something meaningful like mindfulness or faith. Growing and learning as a couple adds layers of purpose to your journey.
• Support Each Other’s Individual Purpose: Encourage your partner to pursue what lights them up, and ask for the same support in return. When each of you feels fulfilled in your personal mission, you bring that positive energy back into the relationship. For example, if one of you wants to go back to school or start a small business that aligns with their dream, be their ally – help make it possible, celebrate their wins, comfort them in setbacks. Research shows that having a strong sense of purpose often leads to more positive and satisfying relationshipspsychologytoday.com, so helping each other thrive individually actually benefits you as a couple. It’s a win-win: you get to see the person you love become their best self (so rewarding!), and they feel deeply understood and supported by you. This mutual encouragement creates a cycle of meaning – your relationship becomes the launchpad that propels both of you toward your life purpose.
• Contribute Beyond Yourselves: One profound way to find meaning as a couple is to serve others or a cause together. This could mean volunteering at a charity, getting involved in your community, or even informally looking out for neighbors and family in need. When you as a couple invest time and love into something bigger (beyond your own household), it reinforces that your relationship has a purpose in the wider world. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen monthly, organize a fundraiser, or be the go-to helpers for friends. Working side by side in service can be incredibly bonding – you’ll share the humbling, heartwarming experiences that come with giving. Plus, you start to see your partnership as a force for good, not just a private romance. Knowing “we make a difference together” is a powerful shared meaning.
• Reframe Challenges as a Team Mission: Every couple faces difficulties – conflicts, financial strains, health issues, losses. Rather than seeing these as things that rob your happiness, try viewing them through a meaning-focused lens. Ask, “How might this challenge bring us closer or teach us something important?” Perhaps overcoming a hardship together could strengthen your resilience or clarify what truly matters to you both. For instance, caring for a sick family member might be draining, but it could also become a meaningful chapter where you witness each other’s compassion and teamwork. Even the act of supporting each other through personal struggles (job stress, bouts of anxiety, etc.) can deepen your shared purpose – you become each other’s safe harbor in life’s storm. Couples who believe their relationship has a larger purpose will often say, “We can get through this, because we’re meant to face life hand-in-hand.” With that mindset, problems turn into projects you tackle together, and crises turn into stories of courage you recount later. Remember Frankl’s wisdom: even when suffering is unavoidable, we can choose our attitude and find meaning in it – often by seeing how it can strengthen love, empathy, or faithscientificamerican.com. When life tests you, take it on as a united front and look for the purpose behind the pain.

Moving Forward: Choosing a Purposeful Love

Every day, we have a choice in how we approach our relationship: Do we chase short-term happiness, or do we invest in long-term meaning? A happiness-driven relationship might look fun on the surface – lots of romantic getaways, fancy gifts, Instagram-worthy moments – but without a deeper foundation, it can feel hollow or crumble when faced with adversity. In contrast, a meaning-driven relationship might not always be “perfect” on the outside, but it has a core of resilience and richness. It’s two people who feel they’re on a meaningful journey together, who share a vision and lift each other up toward it.

Take a moment to reflect on your own relationship. What gives it meaning right now? What could give it more meaning? Perhaps it’s time for an honest, heartfelt conversation with your partner about each of your dreams, values, and the legacy you want to create together. You might be surprised to find overlapping themes or new ideas for joint purpose. Maybe you both care deeply about mentoring younger people, or you both find meaning in faith or spirituality, or you realize you want to explore the world and broaden your horizons together. There is no one-size-fits-all answer – your shared purpose will be as unique as your love story.

Here’s a challenge: In the coming week, sit down with your partner (maybe over a relaxed evening or on a long walk) and ask each other, “What do you want our life to be about? What do we stand for, together?” Listen deeply to each other’s answers. Brainstorm ways you can start living that purpose in small daily actions. Commit to one new ritual, project, or habit that reflects your shared meaning. It could be anything from finally starting that couples’ garden you’ve talked about (because you value growth and nature) to volunteering at the animal shelter (because compassion for animals is a shared passion), to writing a list of family values and sticking it on the fridge. Do one tangible thing to honor your shared purpose.

As you take these steps, notice how it feels. Chances are, you’ll experience a different kind of joy – not the spikes of giddiness that fade quickly, but a warm, enduring fulfillment. You’ll wake up in the morning knowing why you’re together and what you’re striving for, which is incredibly motivating. And when you hit the next bump in the road (because life guarantees a few), you’ll handle it with more grace because you know “This is part of what we’re building, part of our journey – and it has meaning.”

In closing, remember that happiness in love is wonderful, but meaning is what makes it last. When you build your relationship on purpose – when you become each other’s partners in growth, each other’s inspiration in hard times, and each other’s co-creators of a better world – you tap into a well of strength and satisfaction far beyond anything momentary. Your life together becomes a story you’re proud of, one filled with chapters of purpose, love, and impact.

So go ahead: choose meaning over mood. Laugh together, yes, but also dare to dream together, to serve together, to grow together. Define what matters most to both of you and live it every day in small ways. In doing so, you won’t just find a more meaningful relationship – you’ll likely find that the happiness you were originally chasing has quietly taken root and blossomed along the waycoachcarson.com. After all, when two people find their why in each other, there’s very little life can throw at them that they can’t face with a smile and a sense of purpose. Your love is more than an emotion – it’s a mission, and that makes all the difference.

Now it’s your turn: What is one meaningful action you will take with your partner this week? The journey to a purpose-driven love story begins with those first intentional steps. Take them, and celebrate the depth and direction they bring to your life together. Here’s to a relationship that’s not just about being happy, but about becoming whole, together.