We all have moments when we avoid certain conversations with our partner — the ones that feel too heavy, too uncertain, or too likely to lead to conflict. Whether it’s about money, intimacy, parenting, or unmet needs, avoidance often comes from a place of fear: fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or sparking a fight. Yet, over time, what we don’t talk about tends to quietly shape the emotional climate of the relationship.

Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations

• Fear of conflict: If past attempts to communicate have led to arguments, a partner may start to believe it’s safer to stay silent.
• Emotional flooding: Some people feel physiologically overwhelmed when conversations get intense — heart rate increases, stress hormones rise, and clear thinking becomes difficult.
• Uncertainty about needs: Sometimes it’s not that we don’t want to talk — we’re simply not sure how to express what we feel or need.
• Desire to protect the relationship: Ironically, avoidance often comes from love — a wish to keep the peace or not hurt our partner.

But as Dr. John Gottman’s decades of research shows, conflict is not what damages relationships — it’s how couples handle (or avoid) it.

Over time, avoidance can lead to:

• Stonewalling, one of the Gottman “Four Horsemen” — a pattern of withdrawal and shutting down.
• Assumptions and mind-reading, as partners fill in the silence with stories about what the other must be thinking.
• Emotional distance, where safety is replaced by tension or indifference.
   

• Create a Calm Start-Up: The first few minutes of a conversation often determine how it will end. Instead of jumping in with criticism or frustration, start softly — express feelings and needs rather than blame.

Example: “I’ve been feeling distant lately, and I’d really like to talk about how we can reconnect.”

• Build Emotional Safety: Conversations go better when both partners feel secure. Make it a goal to listen to understand, not to respond. Validation — even when you disagree — communicates, “I care about your feelings.”
• Take Breaks When Flooded: When you notice tension rising, it’s okay to pause. The Gottmans suggest a 20-minute break to allow the body’s stress response to settle before continuing.
• Use Gentle Curiosity: Replace assumptions with questions. Try:

  “Can you help me understand what that’s like for you?” This invites openness and reduces defensiveness.

• Turn Toward, Not Away: Every attempt to connect, even during a disagreement, is a chance to strengthen your bond. Turning toward means choosing engagement, empathy, and curiosity over withdrawal.

   

So, rather than avoiding the next tough talk, consider approaching it with gentleness and intention. Your willingness to engage — even when it’s uncomfortable — sends a powerful message: our relationship is strong enough to handle this.