Infidelity is one of the most feared and painful breaches in any relationship. Yet despite how common it is, myths and misconceptions about affairs continue to cloud our understanding — often adding shame, blame, and confusion where clarity is most needed.
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, known for his decades of research on what makes love last, has identified six common myths about infidelity that can mislead couples and even worsen the fallout of betrayal. Understanding these myths can help couples make sense of what happened — and, if they choose, heal together.
Let’s break them down:
1. Myth: Affairs happen because of sexual dissatisfaction.
Truth: Surprisingly, research shows that the majority of affairs are not driven by a lack of sex at home. Many people in affairs report being quite satisfied with their sex life with their partner. Instead, affairs often grow from an emotional connection, a craving for attention, admiration, or simply the novelty and excitement that comes with secrecy.
2. Myth: Cheaters are immoral or bad people.
Truth: While betrayal is undoubtedly hurtful, many people who cheat are not inherently immoral or heartless. Often, they are struggling with unmet emotional needs, poor boundaries, or personal crises they don’t know how to express. Labeling them as simply “bad” overlooks the complex dynamics that can lead to an affair — and can block the path to true understanding and accountability.
3. Myth: Affairs always mean the relationship is over.
Truth: Many couples assume that infidelity is an automatic deal-breaker. Yet, research shows that a significant number of couples not only stay together after an affair but can rebuild a stronger, more honest connection. Recovery is tough and requires commitment and expert support, but for some, it is possible to turn the pain into a catalyst for growth.
4. Myth: Infidelity happens because of problems in the relationship.
Truth: While relationship issues can create vulnerabilities, affairs often happen in seemingly “good” marriages too. Sometimes, the betrayal reflects more about the unfaithful partner’s inner struggles — like low self-esteem, a need for validation, or difficulty handling aging and life transitions — than about the quality of the marriage itself.
5. Myth: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Truth: Not everyone who cheats does so repeatedly. Some people deeply regret what they’ve done, face their reasons honestly, and change. Dismissing them as “forever untrustworthy” can prevent meaningful accountability and growth, both individually and as a couple.
6. Myth: The betrayed partner should never stay.
Truth: Society often shames people who choose to stay with a partner who’s been unfaithful. Yet, the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal. Some couples find genuine healing, forgiveness, and renewed intimacy through the hard work of affair recovery. It’s not for everyone — but staying does not mean weakness; sometimes, it means choosing to rebuild something more authentic than before.
Moving Beyond Myths: How Couples Can Heal
Uncovering these myths doesn’t justify infidelity, but it does help couples replace blame and oversimplified explanations with a deeper, more compassionate understanding of what went wrong — and what can be done to heal.
If you or your partner are navigating the aftermath of an affair, consider seeking the guidance of a Gottman trained couples therapist who specializes in betrayal recovery. Recovery often includes rebuilding trust, creating transparency, and establishing new boundaries that protect the relationship going forward.
Remember: the truth is rarely black and white — but understanding the reality behind the myths can be a powerful first step toward healing.
